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Posts Tagged ‘expectations’

Being quiet
Being still
Doing some thinking
Doing some feeling

what steps come next?
what path will be mine?
what holds my attention?
define the design…

lights and signs may flash all around me
noise and smells fill the air
stimulation overloads my senses
where do I focus?

I shuffle cards
in the deck of my life
what do I hold?
what do I fold?

What boundaries do I need to set?
What goals do I need to plan?
What will help me understand my gifts?
and use them…

Questions abound

And so I am quiet
And so I am still
Doing some thinking and feeling
and knowing
the bottom line will always be
What will bring me closer to God?

DSC02063a

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1337950_45020022Stop being so mean
saying such horrible things
squelching the spirit
paralyzing with doubt
creating a life of insecurity

Stop being so cruel
aggressive and angry
ripping apart dreams
tearing open old wounds
with smug satisfaction

Stop being so harmful
your unhealthy coping
never satisfies the ache
only leaving you empty
or full
of regret

Stop being so critical
so quick to judge
refusing to be kind
or forgiving
for even the tiniest of things

Stop living in the past
accepting only negative interpretations
of how things are
or were
and how you are to blame

Stop it!
I say to myself
with hope
that this time
I will listen

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When I first start
setting boundaries

It’s awkward

I don’t always say
the right thing
the right way
using
the right words
the right inflections

So people react without saying
the right thing
the right way
using
the right words
the right inflections

Sometimes
that makes me want to stop
setting boundaries

But I can’t.

Because I need them
and even though you may not like it
you need me to have them
for our relationship to be real

We need to express our needs
We need to express our true selves
In order to really know each other
Not who we think we are
Not who we should be
Not just making it work
Not just keeping the peace

Because I want to be
the real me
flawed and awkward

Because deep down
I like me
flawed and awkward

and I’m hoping
you will like
the real me
too
boundaries 6

 

Other boundary posts:
Boundaries
Setting Boundaries

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Ready to live

Ready to seeLily Pond

Ready to learn

Ready to hope

Ready to create

Ready to breathe

Ready to laugh

Ready to change

Ready to give

Ready to listen

Ready to work

Ready to believe

Ready to step

Ready to jump

Ready to fly

Ready to be
completely me

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Sometimes
it’s hard to accept a gift

For I learned
gifts often came tied with stringsstrings
future expectations
future requirements
on my behavior
on my attitude
despite other
confusing unpleasantness

So when I take the package
and unwrap the layers
I accept the twisted strands
and coil them around my wrist
knowing I could be asked
for something in return
at any given moment

Tug.

Instantly
I lose my ability
to say no,
not right now,
sorry, I can’t.
that’s not how I feel.
I don’t want to.

But now I’ve learned
Not everyone feels that way
Not everyone has expectations of return
Not everyone laces invisible strings
around the package

And even if they do
I am not obligated
to tie that string around my wrist
to follow the tug
or to be
anything other
than me

Instead I can watch the strands
swirl around my arm
not a thick string
but a chiffon scarf
that flutters to the ground

For I can choose
I can control
what I am willing to accept
and there are
no strings on me

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Sometimes I feel
like I can’t figure out a thing
I don’t know where I’m going
or even who I am

I stand at an open gate
and wonder which direction to take
wonder where each path may lead
and what adventures await

Excitement and bravery
get shoved to the back of my mind
roughed up, knocked down
by negative thought bullies

I feel panic start to rise
thoughts of doubt and fear
Insecurity quickly
steals my joy

Can I trust myself?
Can I figure it out?

And then I remember

I don’t have to do this alone

I have the Holy Spirit
within me
I have a guide and a compass
right in my heart

Waiting to whisper
what step to take
who to watch out for
where to go

If I can just be still
and listen
and let the Spirit lead me

spirit lead me

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I want to live my truth

and yet…

I struggle to define it

what is real?
what speaks directly to my heart?
how do I define this life?

What is truth?My path, my truth

Others want to define truth for us
teachers, pastors, parents, friends

And for much of my life
I let them

and yet…

I don’t think I can
any longer

I feel fear
breaking molds
not meeting expectations
not fitting in

and yet…

I feel free
living authentically
living my truth
building my own faith

I will say
what it is I believe

I will determine
what is “right”

I will know
what God speaks to my heart

I will release
judgment and fear

I will be ready
to follow my heart
and all
that is revealed

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I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings
I didn’t mean for you to take it that way
I didn’t mean to make you sad
I didn’t mean for you to react like that

My intent was not to hurtknowmyworth.com
My intent was not to bully
My intent was not to get my way
I don’t think it was…
because usually…

My intent was not about you at all.

But my impact?

I did hurt your feelings
I did make you sad
You did react
You did take it that way

And that’s what matters
My impact.
And that’s what I need to be aware of
My impact.
And that’s what I need to repair
My impact.

Because no matter my intent, my impact hurt you.
And I am very sorry.
And let’s talk.
so we can use words and language
to bring my impact
in line with my intention
and heal.

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I wait

I wait for God
to open new doors
portals of change
though I’m not sure what

I wait for God
to meet my needs
physical and emotional
though I’m not sure how

I wait for God
to guide my steps
forward or sideways
though I’m not sure where

I wait

I wait for clarity
I wait for decisions
I wait for answers
I wait for understanding

I wait

Waiting feels helpless
powerless and futile
I want to take action
I want to have answers

Then I remember
the power in waiting
in truly waiting on God
and sitting in stillness

I can have peace while I wait
freedom in resting
deep breath in, deep breath out
I don’t have to see the whole picture
to know it is there

I can have trust while I wait
freedom in releasing
God will be there
even if I don’t know what my life will be

I can have hope while I wait
freedom in rejoicing
God is my life focus
and nothing else matters

I decide
that I will have faith

while I wait

girl waiting

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You are angry with me
and my reaction
is fear
bewildered
loss

I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to act
I don’t know how to be
and I feel
that it’s my fault
that it’s now my role
to soothe your anger
to fix the situation
to change myself
to hide in shame

I didn’t meet your expectations
I didn’t do things as you would have done
I didn’t know the right way to answer
I didn’t prevent this very moment

But then I remember
I am a grown woman
who has thoughts
and feelings
that are just as valid
as anyone else

And I remember
it’s not actually
my job
to fix your anger

your anger
is your feeling
and just because
you have a feeling
I am not required
to do anything

Trying to force me
to change – to do or be
what you want me to do or be
is bullying

Your anger belongs to you
and you have every right to feel it
You can believe it’s righteous
You can believe it’s justified
You can believe it requires action

And I can disagree.

If I change
I will change for me
If you change
You will change for you

and if we continue to disagree
and you continue to be angry with me
then our paths will change

Because I will no longer be
afraid of anger

afraid of anger

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