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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

You are angry with me
and my reaction
is fear
bewildered
loss

I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to act
I don’t know how to be
and I feel
that it’s my fault
that it’s now my role
to soothe your anger
to fix the situation
to change myself
to hide in shame

I didn’t meet your expectations
I didn’t do things as you would have done
I didn’t know the right way to answer
I didn’t prevent this very moment

But then I remember
I am a grown woman
who has thoughts
and feelings
that are just as valid
as anyone else

And I remember
it’s not actually
my job
to fix your anger

your anger
is your feeling
and just because
you have a feeling
I am not required
to do anything

Trying to force me
to change – to do or be
what you want me to do or be
is bullying

Your anger belongs to you
and you have every right to feel it
You can believe it’s righteous
You can believe it’s justified
You can believe it requires action

And I can disagree.

If I change
I will change for me
If you change
You will change for you

and if we continue to disagree
and you continue to be angry with me
then our paths will change

Because I will no longer be
afraid of anger

afraid of anger

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Sometimes I don’t wanna
be an adult

Sometimes I don’t want
to go to work
to pay the bills
to make important decisions
that impact others

Sometimes I don’t want
to be the responsible one
who “holds down the fort”
who takes care of everyone
who makes everything ok

Sometimes I wish
that I didn’t
know pain
know hurt
that I didn’t know
it always takes time
to heal

Sometimes I just want
to stand in the shower
until the hot water turns cold
and my hair is not yet clean
or better yet
sit in a tub
until wrinkled and shivering
shutting out the world
with the click of the door

Sometimes I just want
to lie on the couch
watch some numbing series
created in days long ago
wearing fuzzy animal pajamas
with 7up and Saltines
today comforting a soul
instead of a tummy

Sometimes I just want
to bury my fingers in warm dirt
sifting rocks from treasures
to cup my hands around a little moth
feel it flutter then fly away
to lie flat on the lawn
watching the clouds become stories
have conversation with ladybugs
and worry for her children

But I must find balance
for I am an adult

I pay the bills
to keep my comforts
I go to work
to make a difference
I make decisions
to take care of others
who have days
when they don’t wanna

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Dear God,

I know that sometimes you meet me
in the places I least expect
and how I think things should be
is not always the way you think they should be

So, I humbly ask you to just
be with me through this
I refuse to see myself as less than anyone else
because of this
but ask that you be with me, and meet me where I am

Help me to know that your plans are bigger
than what i think they should be
and that maybe
you will use these experiences in my life
to help others
and to bring me closer to you

And so when I feel sad
when I am depressed or anxious
I will not pray for healing
I will not pray for it to be lifted

I will sit in my feelings
knowing there is nothing wrong with them
I will accept your timing
and rejoice in my experiences
and know
there is nothing wrong with me

♥ Amen ♥

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