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Stray Dog

I wandered the streets
looking for a home
looking to be welcomed
looking to be loved

You found me.

You took me in
gave me shelter
gave me love
gave me hope.

I ate the finest vittles
Slept warmly on your bed

I reveled in the gentle caresses
behind my ears, down my spine
along my underbelly
with tender fingertips
and feathery whispers

You told me
I was beautiful
You needed me
I was amazing
You wanted me
I was important.

Your loyal pet
through everything
and everywhere

Comforting you in hard times
Celebrating with you in the good

Listening to your every word
with genuine care and attention,
empathy and silent understanding

Fiercely protective
Genuinely devoted

You bathed me
with soap
and love
I felt special
and brave
and safe

I’d found my home.

But things changed.
You changed.

You stopped letting me inside
annoyed at my presence

You stopped feeding me
angry when I begged for scraps

You stopped loving me
withholding soft words and touches

You called me disgusting.

I tried to remind you
of all that I added to your life
of how much I loved you
and how much you needed me

But you didn’t remember.

Others around you
made sure I didn’t get inside
They kicked me, ignored me, starved me
they never liked you having me anyway.

Kick a dog enough times
eventually it gets the hint.

I don’t belong to you anymore.

I am no longer wanted,
needed, or special.
And there is
nothing
I can do
to change that.

So I wander off
a stray once again
looking for a home
where someone
will love me.

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I know sometimes I’m not easy.
I am a complicated woman
who knows what
a good relationship
can look like,
and that colors
my expectations.
I’m not wooed by
sweet-sounding words,
bold professions of love,
or grand romantic gestures…
I’m actually quite leery of them.
I am slow to jump into big decisions;
I like to follow my heart and my brain.
I’m often too serious, guarded, and pensive.
Heartbreak, loss and pain shape my view.
It sometimes takes work
to love me.
But I love
with my
whole heart,
I’m loyal,
I’m fierce,
and I’m worth it.

5 light bulbs in my kitchen
going out
one by one
until only one remained

Over time
the view dimmed
I didn’t even realize
how my awareness
was being changed

Stains went unnoticed
Spills got ignored
Crumbs gathered in corners
with shards of a broken glass

Filth crept in.

lightbulb by woodsy @ rgbstock.com

But today –
today I changed
the dead light bulbs

and it’s helping me see
everything
more clearly.

Bright white light
floods into hidden corners
shadows recede
like defeated trolls

I can see
what I have let happen
slowly bit by bit
in the creeping darkness

I can see…

The stains
of the lie of self hated
The spills
of unfulfilled hopes
The shards
of self confidence broken
The crumbs
of acceptance I’ve scraped for

I see it now.
in the light.

And I remember
I don’t have to live like this.

I begin to clean.

Is it time to celebrate your own personal freedom?

Freedom from comparison
Freedom from judgment

Freedom from self-doubt
Freedom from self-criticism

Freedom from worry
Freedom from pressure

Freedom from shame
Freedom from fear

Freedom from anger
Freedom from resentment

Freedom from indignation
Freedom from expectation

Freedom from your past
Freedom from your pain

I wish you freedom, my friends.

Freedom to know your worth, to tap into wisdom,
and to experience the joy and peace that come with letting go.
celebrate independence

Hello dear friends,

You don’t see me much these days as I’m back in school, and creative time is often taken up by discussion forums and reflection papers. I’m learning more skills to add to coaching; I’m working to become a therapist.

I recently wrote this simple post for class, and today I felt led to share my heart with you here.

Reflections on Worthiness

In 2011, based on my mother’s steps in her own life, I had an epiphany. My mom had decided to divorce, in spite of her firm beliefs about God’s law and wrongness of divorce.  When she made that decision, I felt a surge of freedom that comes with stepping into true grace.  The Holy Spirit whispered an insight to me that became the foundation of this blog and Facebook community: Nothing I do, nothing I’ve done, and nothing that has been done to me impacts my worth.Nothing I do mantra

I knew, without a doubt, that God still loved my mother even though she was divorcing.  I knew that even though this event would create sorrow and difficulty, God would be there.  And in that experience, my mom may be able to hear him even more clearly than she ever had before in her life.  I knew that God would use this time to bring her close, not to judge or condemn her, but to truly show her what His love and grace could look like, and how comforting it could be.

Through this understanding about my mom, I realized that throughout my life, I’d been trying to prove myself worthy – worthy of relationships, worthy of successes, worthy of happiness, worthy of God’s love. Through my own efforts, my own attempts at being “good” I would somehow find peace and love. But that’s actually opposite to how the gift of grace works… the more we strive, the further away we get from just accepting the gift, from just accepting our inherent worth.

Even when we do things that seem “wrong,” God can use those errors to bring us closer to him.  When bad things happen to us in life, God can use those events to bring us closer to him.  Trauma can create depth.  Sinfulness can create true repentance.  Mistakes create understanding.   All of these “bad” or “wrong” things that we do in our lives are tools that God uses to help us understand his love, his grace, and his view of us through Christ, as worthy, beautiful, and beloved – just as we are, just as he created us, and just as he has always known we would be. We cannot become any more or any less worthy than we already are.

 


Thank you for being here with me on this journey of worth.  I will continue to post here from time to time as the Spirit leads. To connect a bit more often (2x mo), I hope you join my Worth & Wisdom newsletter

not by valentine's dayValentine’s Day
doesn’t have to be
just for lovers

It doesn’t have to be
about being part of a couple

It doesn’t have to be
a symbol of romance

It doesn’t have to be
a “Singles Awareness Day”

It doesn’t have to be
a day of comparison
a day of proving one’s love
a day of relationship status

It doesn’t have to be
a day of wistfulness
a day of longing
a day of regrets

Valentine’s Day 
can be anything you want it to be
and that’s all that matters 
about it

It can be a day of gratitude
thankful for loved ones in our lives

It can be a day of self-care
pampering and peace

It can be a day of laughter
friendship and joy

It can be a day of
knowing and remembering
that you are loved
by your Creator
with a love beyond
any love you can imagine

You are loved

I don’t like being messy.

EmotionalWoman
Hurting
Unsure
Unaware

But no one does. No one likes it.
And yet WE ALL ARE at times.
We all HAVE TO BE at times.

And it’s ok.

Because being messy
is being ME

it’s being real
not an artificial robot

always on top of things
ahead of the curve
having it all together

the strong one
filled with cliches

I must remember
being strong
can be messy
sometimes too

I can be both
brave and scared
sad and hopeful
strong and messy

And the reality
is that
in order to 
be strong
I have to be
allow myself to be messy

even when I don’t like it.