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Archive for the ‘Spiritual Awakening’ Category

Hello dear friends,

You don’t see me much these days as I’m back in school, and creative time is often taken up by discussion forums and reflection papers. I’m learning more skills to add to coaching; I’m working to become a therapist.

I recently wrote this simple post for class, and today I felt led to share my heart with you here.

Reflections on Worthiness

In 2011, based on my mother’s steps in her own life, I had an epiphany. My mom had decided to divorce, in spite of her firm beliefs about God’s law and wrongness of divorce.  When she made that decision, I felt a surge of freedom that comes with stepping into true grace.  The Holy Spirit whispered an insight to me that became the foundation of this blog and Facebook community: Nothing I do, nothing I’ve done, and nothing that has been done to me impacts my worth.Nothing I do mantra

I knew, without a doubt, that God still loved my mother even though she was divorcing.  I knew that even though this event would create sorrow and difficulty, God would be there.  And in that experience, my mom may be able to hear him even more clearly than she ever had before in her life.  I knew that God would use this time to bring her close, not to judge or condemn her, but to truly show her what His love and grace could look like, and how comforting it could be.

Through this understanding about my mom, I realized that throughout my life, I’d been trying to prove myself worthy – worthy of relationships, worthy of successes, worthy of happiness, worthy of God’s love. Through my own efforts, my own attempts at being “good” I would somehow find peace and love. But that’s actually opposite to how the gift of grace works… the more we strive, the further away we get from just accepting the gift, from just accepting our inherent worth.

Even when we do things that seem “wrong,” God can use those errors to bring us closer to him.  When bad things happen to us in life, God can use those events to bring us closer to him.  Trauma can create depth.  Sinfulness can create true repentance.  Mistakes create understanding.   All of these “bad” or “wrong” things that we do in our lives are tools that God uses to help us understand his love, his grace, and his view of us through Christ, as worthy, beautiful, and beloved – just as we are, just as he created us, and just as he has always known we would be. We cannot become any more or any less worthy than we already are.

 


Thank you for being here with me on this journey of worth.  I will continue to post here from time to time as the Spirit leads. To connect a bit more often (2x mo), I hope you join my Worth & Wisdom newsletter

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I’ve never understood
some of the words chosen
attempting comfort
to a friend in pain

Lines awkwardly offered
in times of sadness
times of loss
times of uncertainty
times of disappointment

Things will get better
said with a sigh

At least it’s not …
said with hopeful eyebrows

Just hang in there
said with a rub on the shoulder

And

God will never give you more
than you can handle
said with resolve.

Total bull.

Life doesn’t always get better.
Life on this Earth isn’t always sunshine.
Sometimes hanging in
is the hardest thing
you’ve ever done.
Sometimes grieving
is the thing you must do.

AND of course God will
allow us to experience

more than we can handle

because if we could
actually handle it all

we wouldn’t call upon God.

Troubleshooting issues,
we wouldn’t call out for wisdom

Searching solutions for control,
we wouldn’t find genuine peace

The whole point
of living through
our painful experiences
of enduring the loss
of waiting for change
is to get closer to our Creator

And that connection
is what will bring true comfort
more than any words on Earth.

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What does it mean
to live in grace?

Does it mean…

that I no longer do anything wrongLiving in grace
or anything hurtful

that I sit in complete peace
never angry or hurt

that I am always kind
to myself and others

that I am free from feelings of
competition
overwhelm
unworthiness
anger
frustration
ingratitude

pain?

Well, no.

But it does mean

that my chains
to those feelings
can be broken

with a choice.

I can choose
to forgive
to be kind
to be peaceful
to be loving
to be joyful
to be patient
to be grateful

with others
AND MYSELF

because once we accept grace
for ourselves
we have an unlimited
amount to give
to others

And we will find ourselves
more often kind
more often peaceful
more often free

We just start by
choosing it.

choice for grace

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Some days just don’t go rightSitting

My ideas don’t work out
Plans crumble
I don’t feel brave

Some days just don’t feel right

My body doesn’t behave
Moods spiral
I don’t feel healthy

Some days just don’t sit right

My thoughts don’t make sense
Fears spin
I don’t feel stable

And then I remember
there is no one right answer
there is no one right plan

And then I remember
my plans aren’t always the finest
my body tells me I need to rest
my thoughts
are only thoughts

And that even when life doesn’t go
according to my plans
I’m still learning
I’m still loving
I’m still loved

All of my days are known
by my omnipotent Creator
who sits with me
right with me
as I crumble, spiral and spin

who tells me it’s OK
to let go
of the worry and control

And I can feel brave
And I can feel healthy
And I can feel stable
just by sitting still
some days.

sit still

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56 drafts
humming in the queue

brimming with potential56 drafts
wisdom
heartache
praise
angst

eager to be deemed worthy
of the Publish button

anticipating the day
the writer becomes bold

courage creating freedom

Yet instead
here she creates
yet another draft
discussing the drafts

Revealing only
the desire to reveal
but not the bravery
to actually do it

today.

 

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On a day that feels
down
tough
rough
draining

We need to remember
to refill
our souls and spirits
with love and hope

We need to remember
our lives
have a purpose and meaning
that we might have lost touch with

We need to remember
that God
has a plan through us
to radiate love

And when things are rough
it’s because I’m trying to do it myself

And when I get drained
it’s because I’m using my own strength

And when things are down
it’s because I’m looking through human lenses

And on those days
I just need to remember
to look up

and my soul
will see
what I need to remember

remember to look up

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I need to let go
of the need
for control

When I think I have everything handled
When I think I’ve got it all figured out
When I think I know the answers

I don’t.

I need to let go
of the need
for certainty

When I think I found the right path
When I think I am ready to charge ahead
When I think I see a perfect vision and purpose

I don’t.

Because certainty is an illusion
And looking for it
leads me into
hesitation
fear
paralysis

Yet if I let God
do Her thing

If I let go of the need
for control
for certainty

Then all that I need

the desire
the power
the energy
the faith

All will be given to me
Just when I need it
Just how I need it
completely and beautifully
out of my control


philippians 2.13

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