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Archive for the ‘Healing’ Category

Hello dear friends,

You don’t see me much these days as I’m back in school, and creative time is often taken up by discussion forums and reflection papers. I’m learning more skills to add to coaching; I’m working to become a therapist.

I recently wrote this simple post for class, and today I felt led to share my heart with you here.

Reflections on Worthiness

In 2011, based on my mother’s steps in her own life, I had an epiphany. My mom had decided to divorce, in spite of her firm beliefs about God’s law and wrongness of divorce.  When she made that decision, I felt a surge of freedom that comes with stepping into true grace.  The Holy Spirit whispered an insight to me that became the foundation of this blog and Facebook community: Nothing I do, nothing I’ve done, and nothing that has been done to me impacts my worth.Nothing I do mantra

I knew, without a doubt, that God still loved my mother even though she was divorcing.  I knew that even though this event would create sorrow and difficulty, God would be there.  And in that experience, my mom may be able to hear him even more clearly than she ever had before in her life.  I knew that God would use this time to bring her close, not to judge or condemn her, but to truly show her what His love and grace could look like, and how comforting it could be.

Through this understanding about my mom, I realized that throughout my life, I’d been trying to prove myself worthy – worthy of relationships, worthy of successes, worthy of happiness, worthy of God’s love. Through my own efforts, my own attempts at being “good” I would somehow find peace and love. But that’s actually opposite to how the gift of grace works… the more we strive, the further away we get from just accepting the gift, from just accepting our inherent worth.

Even when we do things that seem “wrong,” God can use those errors to bring us closer to him.  When bad things happen to us in life, God can use those events to bring us closer to him.  Trauma can create depth.  Sinfulness can create true repentance.  Mistakes create understanding.   All of these “bad” or “wrong” things that we do in our lives are tools that God uses to help us understand his love, his grace, and his view of us through Christ, as worthy, beautiful, and beloved – just as we are, just as he created us, and just as he has always known we would be. We cannot become any more or any less worthy than we already are.

 


Thank you for being here with me on this journey of worth.  I will continue to post here from time to time as the Spirit leads. To connect a bit more often (2x mo), I hope you join my Worth & Wisdom newsletter

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I don’t like being messy.

EmotionalWoman
Hurting
Unsure
Unaware

But no one does. No one likes it.
And yet WE ALL ARE at times.
We all HAVE TO BE at times.

And it’s ok.

Because being messy
is being ME

it’s being real
not an artificial robot

always on top of things
ahead of the curve
having it all together

the strong one
filled with cliches

I must remember
being strong
can be messy
sometimes too

I can be both
brave and scared
sad and hopeful
strong and messy

And the reality
is that
in order to 
be strong
I have to be
allow myself to be messy

even when I don’t like it.

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I’ve never understood
some of the words chosen
attempting comfort
to a friend in pain

Lines awkwardly offered
in times of sadness
times of loss
times of uncertainty
times of disappointment

Things will get better
said with a sigh

At least it’s not …
said with hopeful eyebrows

Just hang in there
said with a rub on the shoulder

And

God will never give you more
than you can handle
said with resolve.

Total bull.

Life doesn’t always get better.
Life on this Earth isn’t always sunshine.
Sometimes hanging in
is the hardest thing
you’ve ever done.
Sometimes grieving
is the thing you must do.

AND of course God will
allow us to experience

more than we can handle

because if we could
actually handle it all

we wouldn’t call upon God.

Troubleshooting issues,
we wouldn’t call out for wisdom

Searching solutions for control,
we wouldn’t find genuine peace

The whole point
of living through
our painful experiences
of enduring the loss
of waiting for change
is to get closer to our Creator

And that connection
is what will bring true comfort
more than any words on Earth.

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Love.

Abstract yet concrete.real love
Emotion yet thought.
Noun yet verb.

The more we give,
the more we get…
right?

Well, no.
It doesn’t always work that way.

Sometimes we give and give and give
and we feel an empty space
in return

But is that real love?

Because sometimes
the love we are giving
isn’t exactly the
pure and selfless love
we believe it to be

When we give love
with expectations of reciprocity

When we give love
with a need for fulfillment
from others

We aren’t giving pure, true love.

Pure true love
comes from our Creator.

Pure true love
has an endless supply.

Pure true love
fills us up as we give it away

And pure true love
doesn’t need for us to do anything at all.

Just to be.
Just to give.
Through me – not because of me – not for me.

And I want to live
in that kind of love
each and every day.

205766_431466773588347_766618948_n

I’m excited to share that I’m going to be learning more about this kind of love as I leave for Ethiopia this week to work with an organization called Bring Love In.  They bring widows and orphans together to create “forever families” as well as help keep other families intact.

I’m going as a Coach, but I’m mostly ready to spend my time listening, learning and loving. Thank you for sending your prayers and good thoughts with me, as I know they will be absorbed by me, and in turn felt by all I meet.

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Some days just don’t go rightSitting

My ideas don’t work out
Plans crumble
I don’t feel brave

Some days just don’t feel right

My body doesn’t behave
Moods spiral
I don’t feel healthy

Some days just don’t sit right

My thoughts don’t make sense
Fears spin
I don’t feel stable

And then I remember
there is no one right answer
there is no one right plan

And then I remember
my plans aren’t always the finest
my body tells me I need to rest
my thoughts
are only thoughts

And that even when life doesn’t go
according to my plans
I’m still learning
I’m still loving
I’m still loved

All of my days are known
by my omnipotent Creator
who sits with me
right with me
as I crumble, spiral and spin

who tells me it’s OK
to let go
of the worry and control

And I can feel brave
And I can feel healthy
And I can feel stable
just by sitting still
some days.

sit still

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I have a fear
of not being heard
of not being understoodThinking

of not being known.

Sometimes
I think this leads me to say
most every little thing
I am feeling or thinking.

But I am learning
I don’t have to
say it all.

Not everyone needs to hear me.
Not everyone needs to understand me.

And most people aren’t going to understand me anyway.
And that’s OK.

I think
what it comes down to
is that to be heard
I actually don’t need to be listened to
by anyone
but me.

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Sometimes
I have to say no.

It’s important for me to do so
and it’s being true
to what I am really feeling

So I say no
not today
not now
I’m sorry, I can’t

But then the guilt.

It washes over me
floods my thoughts
churns in my belly

How can I say no?
They need me
need my help
need my service
and maybe need God through me

so the thoughts keep spinninglose me
that I’m just being selfish
and would it have really hurt me
to drop what I’m doing
to add more to my plate
and would it have really hurt me
to give one more afternoon

because people give to me
and so shouldn’t I give back
all that I have?
all that I am?

but then I remember
what I can be like
when I don’t take care of myself
the tailspin I can create
the emotional states
the physical decline

and then I remember
that when people give to me
give in healthy ways
it doesn’t require
of loss of myself
to them
it is a gift

and then I remember
that setting boundaries
establishing limits
makes me MORE able to help
more able to be present
more able to be me
in those times that
are appropriate

and that’s woman –
that’s who
they were asking for
in the first place

Originally published 11.23.2012

If you can use a little help saying NO without feeling guilt,
you may like to join my FREE online class, this Wednesday.
(recording will be available)
Click here for info and registration.say no

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