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Posts Tagged ‘doubt’

I’ve been doing this little series of love notes from God
on the Facebook page lately.

What little notes does God whisper to your heart?

03.10 Slide1

03.14 Slide2

notes from God6

notes from God

notes from God5

notes from God4

03.27 Slide3

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I wait

I wait for God
to open new doors
portals of change
though I’m not sure what

I wait for God
to meet my needs
physical and emotional
though I’m not sure how

I wait for God
to guide my steps
forward or sideways
though I’m not sure where

I wait

I wait for clarity
I wait for decisions
I wait for answers
I wait for understanding

I wait

Waiting feels helpless
powerless and futile
I want to take action
I want to have answers

Then I remember
the power in waiting
in truly waiting on God
and sitting in stillness

I can have peace while I wait
freedom in resting
deep breath in, deep breath out
I don’t have to see the whole picture
to know it is there

I can have trust while I wait
freedom in releasing
God will be there
even if I don’t know what my life will be

I can have hope while I wait
freedom in rejoicing
God is my life focus
and nothing else matters

I decide
that I will have faith

while I wait

girl waiting

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You are angry with me
and my reaction
is fear
bewildered
loss

I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to act
I don’t know how to be
and I feel
that it’s my fault
that it’s now my role
to soothe your anger
to fix the situation
to change myself
to hide in shame

I didn’t meet your expectations
I didn’t do things as you would have done
I didn’t know the right way to answer
I didn’t prevent this very moment

But then I remember
I am a grown woman
who has thoughts
and feelings
that are just as valid
as anyone else

And I remember
it’s not actually
my job
to fix your anger

your anger
is your feeling
and just because
you have a feeling
I am not required
to do anything

Trying to force me
to change – to do or be
what you want me to do or be
is bullying

Your anger belongs to you
and you have every right to feel it
You can believe it’s righteous
You can believe it’s justified
You can believe it requires action

And I can disagree.

If I change
I will change for me
If you change
You will change for you

and if we continue to disagree
and you continue to be angry with me
then our paths will change

Because I will no longer be
afraid of anger

afraid of anger

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Interesting
how I am always tryingflowers
to take care of you
how I strain and sweat
to make sure you are ok
to make sure you are happy
to make sure your feelings aren’t
hurt
regardless of how
I am feeling

But that’s not my job
it’s not up to me
to take care of you

You are grown
You are an adult
You can make your own decisions
You can make your own choices
You can handle
your own consequences

I don’t need to be involved
I don’t need to monitor
I don’t need to
make sure
everything is ok

Yet I do.

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Being a good person
loving and caring

Being a good teacher
guiding and imparting

Being a good partner
considerate and helpful

Being a good provider
feeding and sheltering

Being a good coach
available and accountable

Being a good child
obedient and achieving

Being a good parent
shaping and modeling

Being a good friend
listening and encouraging

All good things
Yes, indeed

Yet
not one of my roles
not one of the things I do
no matter how “good”
I am at it
no matter how “bad”
I am at it
not one of these things
determines my worth

I have worth.
I have value.
No matter what.

I have value just for being me

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I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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Dear God,

I know that sometimes you meet me
in the places I least expect
and how I think things should be
is not always the way you think they should be

So, I humbly ask you to just
be with me through this
I refuse to see myself as less than anyone else
because of this
but ask that you be with me, and meet me where I am

Help me to know that your plans are bigger
than what i think they should be
and that maybe
you will use these experiences in my life
to help others
and to bring me closer to you

And so when I feel sad
when I am depressed or anxious
I will not pray for healing
I will not pray for it to be lifted

I will sit in my feelings
knowing there is nothing wrong with them
I will accept your timing
and rejoice in my experiences
and know
there is nothing wrong with me

♥ Amen ♥

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