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Posts Tagged ‘inner turmoil’

Lies reverberate
inside my head
as a familiar concert

Negative
Degrading
Hurtful
Lies

Comments said in days gone by
become the station I tune in today

I watch
old stories dance in time,
linking arms with new experiences
pulling those fresh faces
onto a dance floor
coated with poison

The songs are
always the same:
I’m not good enough
I’m not smart enough
I’m not … enough

Why do I continue to play
these dissonant melodies?

Do these sad sounds
somehow bring me comfort
with their familiar tune?

Because
this chorus
is filled
with lies
and
I need to stop
replaying the verses.

New experiences must
lead a contemporary tango
What I hear and know today must
become the orchestral swell

I am enough
Just as I am
Just for who I am
Just because I am

me.

Old stories,
Old comments,
are played-out tunes
no longer welcome in this dance hall.

It’s time for new music
a new melody
a new dance

and to stop listening to the lies

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Sometimes

when things are going well
things are just so right
having fun
feeling good
happy

I can’t enjoy it.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop
the bad taste to arrive
the bricks to shatter
the fist to punch
the hateful comments
to ring in my ears
to squelch my happiness

Maybe the shoe
will even be
something I do
something I say
that messes things up

Not that bad
has to be
coming
but I anticipate it will
and in doing
create an internal sabotage.

Anticipating the shoe
can be worse than the shoe itself.

But

I don’t have to live this way
I can delight in God
and know that He is there at all times

He delights in my delights
He is happy when I am happy
and He is there
when happiness is not.

He will hold me tightly
if a shoe, taste, brick, fist, or comment
comes into my life
whether I anticipate
its arrival
or not.

So

in the meantime, I need want to be happy.

Thank you, Lord, for happy.

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It’s the time of year
for me to IMPROVE

So what will it be
this year…

eat more veggies?
exercise more?
read the entire bible?
quit a bad habit?
volunteer?
organize all the closets?
remodel the kitchen?
go back to school?
start a new hobby?
clean that garage?
finish a 1/2-done craft project?
get out of debt?
do more of this?
do less of that?

Stop.

How about…
Be kind to myself.
Know that I am loved.
Sit in the arms of the Father.

And
maybe
finally
this year
I will
know my worth.

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Please
don’t buy me anything
don’t get me a gift
so much turmoil surrounds it
it’s just not fun

Agonizing issues with gifts.

What if I don’t get you something?
What if mine’s not good enough?
What if I don’t really like it?
What if I disappoint you with my reaction?

what do you want in return?
only gratitude?
thing is,
I don’t really
believe that

I seem so ungrateful
Almost hateful
Undeserving
Unworthy

D I S T R U S T I N G.

I haven’t always been this way
I don’t have to be this way
I choose not to be this way

Can I let go of my issues with gifts?
Can I accept the greatest gift of all?
God’s grace

I am worthy.
I can trust.
And I thank you.

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