Know My Worth

I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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