Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged busy, friend, friendship, life, love, men, narcissistic, not perfect, others, perfect, relationships, remembering, self absorbed, self worth, thankfulness, thoughtfulness, women on November 29, 2012| 9 Comments »
Why am I always
so focused on me?
focused on how I feel
or how you don’t
notice
When was the last time
I asked about you?
Why am I sitting
in a deep hole
a pit
of myself
It’s dark in here
I am alone
focused on myself
on me me me
It’s time to bring in some light
and all I need to do
is ask about you
Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged boundaries, expectations, guilt, helping, lose myself, perfect, pressure, relationships, respect, worry, worth on November 23, 2012| 14 Comments »
Sometimes
I have to say no.
It’s important for me to do so
and it’s being true
to what I am really feeling
So I say no
not today
not now
I’m sorry, I can’t
But then the guilt.
It washes over me
floods my thoughts
churns in my belly
How can I say no?
They need me
need my help
need my service
and maybe need God through me
so the thoughts keep spinning
that I’m just being selfish
and would it have really hurt me
to drop what I’m doing
to add more to my plate
and would it have really hurt me
to give one more afternoon
because people give to me
and so shouldn’t I give back
all that I have?
all that I am?
but then I remember
what I can be like
when I don’t take care of myself
the tailspin I can create
the emotional states
the physical decline
and then I remember
that when people give to me
give in healthy ways
it doesn’t require
of loss of myself
to them
it is a gift
and then I remember
that setting boundaries
establishing limits
makes me MORE able to help
more able to be present
more able to be me
in those times that
are appropriate
and that’s woman –
that’s who
they were asking for
in the first place
Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged codependency, expectations, God, light, love, poetry, self worth on November 13, 2012| 17 Comments »
My river of codependency
deep and powerful
I tumble along
swept away
with the current
old habits
can
flow unheeded
I grasp at branches
looking for my self worth
along this twisting river
If I help you, will I feel valued?
If I lead this group, will I feel treasured?
If I do a good job, will I feel needed?
If I love you, will you love me?
And when you don’t need me
the grass pulls from its roots
and when situations don’t meet my expectations
the branch snaps from the tree
So branches
slip from my fingers
grasses and roots
pull from the edge
I pitch and twist
bumping into rocks
floundering through rapids
clinging to scraps
of debris
confused
and afraid
And then I remember
I control this river
I do not need to grasp and cling
to debris or branches
My worth is internal
the love of God
spreads from my fingers
light pours around me
and creates a raft
the water slows
I’m buoyed by light
and I float
watching the banks
pass on by
Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged anxiety, doubt, expectations, God's love, letting go, not perfect, pressure, pretending, self worth on November 2, 2012| 8 Comments »
I waffle
acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!
So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations
Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside
too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless
life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?
My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair
Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights
But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks
and inside
I’m still screaming
AND THEN
I remind myself that
even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse
none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth
I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed
God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety
And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth
Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged changing someone, codependency, expectations, letting go, love, potential, reflection, relationships, self worth on October 25, 2012| 13 Comments »
Heartsick
and frustrated
when we can see
that people could be
so much more
so much bigger
so much greater
so much happier
if they only choose
to let go
to let go of some of their demons
some of their own insecurities
some of their own self-hatred
we can’t do it for them
and
it’s unimaginable for me
to let go of the HOPE
of anyone’s potential
if only he would ___
things would be awesome
maybe I could just ___
and it would all be ok
but I have to realize
that I can’t
I can’t fix it.
I can’t fix it for anyone
other than me
And so I must move on
without him
and focus on seeing
my own potential
Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged assertiveness, comparison, expectations, faith, pressure, self worth on October 19, 2012| 7 Comments »
Only I can know my own experience.
Only I can know my own direction.
My path is probably different from yours –
it is mine after all.
Walk with me, add comfort and company,
but please, never tell me I’m doing it wrong.
I may not always be “right”
I may sometimes get a little lost
but that’s all
part of my journey
and none of it
is ever wrong
It’s my path
and only I
can say where it goes.
Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged alone, anxiety, God, lies, love, never alone, Psalms, scared, self worth, whispers and lies on October 14, 2012| 4 Comments »
When I feel anxious,
fearful and dismayed,
what is the lie that is getting in?
That I am not safe
That I am alone
That I am unloved
When I feel lethargic,
listless and drained,
what is the lie that is getting in?
That I am living without purpose
That I am alone
That I am unloved
When I feel blue,
cloudy and detached,
what is the lie that is getting in?
That I am not worthy
That I am alone
That I am unloved
BUT
Not one
None
Zero
of these thoughts are true
Lies and falsehoods
whispered in my ear
by demons perhaps
whispered through my mind
old stories replayed
through a child’s lens
SO
I make a choice
with an adult mind
and knowledge of truth
I will not listen
to those whispers
FOR
deep in my soul I know
TRUTH
I am not alone
Instead
I am loved beyond measure
by a God
who
cradles my heart
who
swaddles my soul
and carries me
away from whispers
and lies
AND
I will not feel anxious
listless or blue
For I am not alone
Posted in Photo quotes, Self worth, tagged day of the girl, empowerment, equality, freedom, international, self worth on October 11, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Today is declared an International Day of the Girl Child
I hope that one day
all girls, all over the world
can be
anything
and
everything
they want to be
Posted in Poetry, Self worth, tagged grief, heartache, loss, love, relationships, sadness on September 11, 2012| 5 Comments »
Was it all my imagination?
All that time
I thought you cared about me
But maybe you only cared
about how I made you feel
how I helped you
how I listened to you
how it was always a focus
on you you you
Did you even know me?
Did you even like me?
for me?
There were times
I did share things with you
I did talk about my feelings
my hopes and my dreams
I know it wasn’t all bad
Sometimes you cared,
right?
Why do I miss you?
Do I really, or
Do I miss being needed
and taking care of you
So why do I miss you?
Why does my heart ache?
I don’t think I ever felt valued
for being me
only for what I did for you
Or
is that just the reaction I feel
the color of the memories
in my grief
Posted in Praise, Self worth, tagged beautiful, God's love, love, poetry, prayer, protected, self worth, value on September 2, 2012| 4 Comments »
My prayer for you
today
that you know
you are loved
without conditions
without expectations
that you know
you are worthy
of all things good
and beautiful
and happy
that you feel
God’s love
wrap around you softly
a grandmother’s arms
and sweet kisses
on your head
that you know
how fiercely
God protects you
how He watches you closely
yet lets you run free
a child on a playground
under the watchful eyes
of a loving mom
that you know
you are beautiful
you are unique
you are loved
and for you I pray
Know My Worth 