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Archive for the ‘Healing’ Category

Setting Boundaries

Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged boundaries, expectations, guilt, helping, lose myself, perfect, pressure, relationships, respect, worry, worth on November 23, 2012| 14 Comments »

Sometimes
I have to say no.

It’s important for me to do so
and it’s being true
to what I am really feeling

So I say no
not today
not now
I’m sorry, I can’t

But then the guilt.

It washes over me
floods my thoughts
churns in my belly

How can I say no?
They need me
need my help
need my service
and maybe need God through me

so the thoughts keep spinning
that I’m just being selfish
and would it have really hurt me
to drop what I’m doing
to add more to my plate
and would it have really hurt me
to give one more afternoon

because people give to me
and so shouldn’t I give back
all that I have?
all that I am?

but then I remember
what I can be like
when I don’t take care of myself
the tailspin I can create
the emotional states
the physical decline

and then I remember
that when people give to me
give in healthy ways
it doesn’t require
of loss of myself
to them
it is a gift

and then I remember
that setting boundaries
establishing limits
makes me MORE able to help
more able to be present
more able to be me
in those times that
are appropriate

and that’s woman –
that’s who
they were asking for
in the first place

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Controlling the River

Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged codependency, expectations, God, light, love, poetry, self worth on November 13, 2012| 17 Comments »

My river of codependency
deep and powerful
I tumble along
swept away
with the current

old habits
can
flow unheeded

I grasp at branches
looking for my self worth
along this twisting river

If I help you, will I feel valued?
If I lead this group, will I feel treasured?
If I do a good job, will I feel needed?
If I love you, will you love me?

And when you don’t need me
the grass pulls from its roots
and when situations don’t meet my expectations
the branch snaps from the tree

So branches
slip from my fingers
grasses and roots
pull from the edge
I pitch and twist
bumping into rocks
floundering through rapids
clinging to scraps
of debris
confused
and afraid

And then I remember
I control this river
I do not need to grasp and cling
to debris or branches

My worth is internal
the love of God
spreads from my fingers
light pours around me
and creates a raft
the water slows
I’m buoyed by light
and I float
watching the banks
pass on by

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Anxiety

Posted in Healing, Poetry, Self worth, tagged anxiety, doubt, expectations, God's love, letting go, not perfect, pressure, pretending, self worth on November 2, 2012| 8 Comments »

I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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Seeing Potential

Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged changing someone, codependency, expectations, letting go, love, potential, reflection, relationships, self worth on October 25, 2012| 13 Comments »

Heartsick
and frustrated
when we can see
that people could be
so much more
so much bigger
so much greater
so much happier

if they only choose
to let go

to let go of some of their demons
some of their own insecurities
some of their own self-hatred

we can’t do it for them

and
it’s unimaginable for me
to let go of the HOPE
of anyone’s potential

if only he would ___
things would be awesome

maybe I could just ___
and it would all be ok

but I have to realize
that I can’t
I can’t fix it.
I can’t fix it for anyone
other than me

And so I must move on
without him
and focus on seeing
my own potential

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My Path

Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged assertiveness, comparison, expectations, faith, pressure, self worth on October 19, 2012| 7 Comments »

Only I can know my own experience.
Only I can know my own direction.

My path is probably different from yours –
it is mine after all.

Walk with me, add comfort and company,
but please, never tell me I’m doing it wrong.

I may not always be “right”
I may sometimes get a little lost
but that’s all
part of my journey
and none of it
is ever wrong

It’s my path
and only I
can say where it goes.

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Not Alone

Posted in Healing, Self worth, tagged alone, anxiety, God, lies, love, never alone, Psalms, scared, self worth, whispers and lies on October 14, 2012| 4 Comments »

When I feel anxious,
fearful and dismayed,
what is the lie that is getting in?

That I am not safe
That I am alone
That I am unloved

When I feel lethargic,
listless and drained,
what is the lie that is getting in?

That I am living without purpose
That I am alone
That I am unloved

When I feel blue,
cloudy and detached,
what is the lie that is getting in?

That I am not worthy
That I am alone
That I am unloved

BUT

Not one
None
Zero
of these thoughts are true

Lies and falsehoods
whispered in my ear
by demons perhaps
whispered through my mind
old stories replayed
through a child’s lens

I make a choice
with an adult mind
and knowledge of truth
I will not listen
to those whispers

FOR

deep in my soul I know
TRUTH
I am not alone
Instead
I am loved beyond measure
by a God
who
cradles my heart
who
swaddles my soul
and carries me
away from whispers
and lies

AND

I will not feel anxious
listless or blue
For I am not alone

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One Year Since Goodbye

Posted in Healing, tagged cigarettes, goodbye, healing, humor, quit smoking, self worth, smoking, thankful on October 6, 2012| 21 Comments »

It’s been a year
since I cut you from my life

It was important to see you go
I needed to say goodbye

You were no good for me
What you made me do
was poisonous
What you made me feel
was just an escape

The last several years
I kept you a secret
sneaking in a moment or two with you
whenever I could be unseen
be undiscovered

But oh
how I do miss you at times!
You brought me comfort
and made me feel safe
when I felt anxious or unsure
you were a part of my every day

But the safety was false
the security wasn’t true
You actually heightened my anxiety
and made me unwell

And so you had to go
because I knew
you were no good for me
You didn’t align
with who I am
or what I value
You weren’t meant to be a part of who I am
and I needed to say goodbye

Thanks for the good times
but I’m glad you are gone
goodbye
dear cigarettes
goodbye