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Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category

Being a good person
loving and caring

Being a good teacher
guiding and imparting

Being a good partner
considerate and helpful

Being a good provider
feeding and sheltering

Being a good coach
available and accountable

Being a good child
obedient and achieving

Being a good parent
shaping and modeling

Being a good friend
listening and encouraging

All good things
Yes, indeed

Yet
not one of my roles
not one of the things I do
no matter how “good”
I am at it
no matter how “bad”
I am at it
not one of these things
determines my worth

I have worth.
I have value.
No matter what.

I have value just for being me

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Dear God,

With all my heart,
This year
2013
I give to you

Every year
I spend so much time
setting goals
figuring and strategizing
planning and organizing
mapping and preparing

for what?
illusion of control

This year
2013
I want to let go
of my need to control

of knowing
HOW
everything will turn out

of knowing
WHICH
is the “right” way

of knowing
WHERE
my path winds

I want to
let go of knowing
every little thing

This year
2013
I want to rest
and let you
do the figuring
the mapping
planning

And if I let you
You will guide me
and hold my hand
You will lead me
and lift the light
You will carry me
in your arms
You will give me the strength
to let it all go

This year
2013
my only plan
is to have no plan
of my own
and God,
you do all the knowing

God, I give 2013 to you

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Today could seem
a lonely day

All excitement is done
All furvor has gone

Leftovers are scavenged
Only fruitcake cookiestwinkle
wait to be eaten

I sit
solemn and quiet
no music or laughter
fills this space
Only rain
taps a melody
on the window

Christmas lights
twinkle a delicate reminder
it’s time to be put away

Today could seem
a lonely day

But
God is here
always up for a chat
He sits in the armchair
and sips spiced tea

And
a good book
waits for my attention
a thrilling tale
of intrigue
and human nature

So
I sit
with adventures awaiting
knowing that today
Only could seem
a lonely day

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Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart

Oh, how often
do we read
this promise
dreaming of
diamonds
and Playstations
and new jobs
or perfect spouses

dreaming
shiny new toys
are on their way
for good girls and boys

But
I don’t think it means
anything such as that

For when we truly delight
in God
when we truly focus
on Him
and all that He is,
everything else
melts away

We stop caring about
new toys
new jobs
new talents
new things

And He becomes
the only desire
the only delight
and all that we need
in this world

Psalm 37

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Sometimes
I have to say no.

It’s important for me to do so
and it’s being true
to what I am really feeling

So I say no
not today
not now
I’m sorry, I can’t

But then the guilt.

It washes over me
floods my thoughts
churns in my belly

How can I say no?
They need me
need my help
need my service
and maybe need God through me

so the thoughts keep spinning
that I’m just being selfish
and would it have really hurt me
to drop what I’m doing
to add more to my plate
and would it have really hurt me
to give one more afternoon

because people give to me
and so shouldn’t I give back
all that I have?
all that I am?

but then I remember
what I can be like
when I don’t take care of myself
the tailspin I can create
the emotional states
the physical decline

and then I remember
that when people give to me
give in healthy ways
it doesn’t require
of loss of myself
to them
it is a gift

and then I remember
that setting boundaries
establishing limits
makes me MORE able to help
more able to be present
more able to be me
in those times that
are appropriate

and that’s woman –
that’s who
they were asking for
in the first place

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My river of codependency
deep and powerful
I tumble along
swept away
with the current

old habits
can
flow unheeded

I grasp at branches
looking for my self worth
along this twisting river

If I help you, will I feel valued?
If I lead this group, will I feel treasured?
If I do a good job, will I feel needed?
If I love you, will you love me?

And when you don’t need me
the grass pulls from its roots
and when situations don’t meet my expectations
the branch snaps from the tree

So branches
slip from my fingers
grasses and roots
pull from the edge
I pitch and twist
bumping into rocks
floundering through rapids
clinging to scraps
of debris
confused
and afraid

And then I remember
I control this river

I do not need to grasp and cling
to debris or branches

My worth is internal
the love of God
spreads from my fingers
light pours around me
and creates a raft
the water slows
I’m buoyed by light
and I float
watching the banks
pass on by

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I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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