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Posts Tagged ‘expectations’

Sometimes
I want
to just feel
sorry for myself

Oh, poor me.

I don’t have this
I don’t have that
or even more likely…
I didn’t have this
I didn’t have that

I was robbed
I was cheated
I don’t want this portion
Life is unfair

Oh, poor me.

Hey, snap out of it!

All the things I didn’t have
All the memories that aren’t ideal
All the mistakes that have been made
All the experiences, good and bad
All of the challenges I face each day

All of it

Creates the woman I am today
and I like me
except when I’m whining
about oh, poor me

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I AM FREE

I am free from
should and ought to

I am released from
comparison
expectation
obligation

I no longer need
<to pretend>
to be
a superhero
a perfect person
all-knowing
all-anticipating
the protector

I am free from
being always at the ready
being anxious about others’ needs
worry

I am free
from needing to be
anything other than
imperfect me

For I am a child of God
covered by His grace
shining with His light

And so
I am free
to laugh
to feel joy
to be flawed
to love
to be loved
to cry when I am sad
to be broken when I hurt
to be fierce with no regrets

I AM FREE

❤ Happy birthday, M  – you are free ❤

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Hi God,
So, um, what’s the plan?
Where to next?
What steps to take?
What things do I need to do?

God,
don’t you see
that if I know the plan
I can start?
I can start making lists
I can start fixing problems
I can start moving mountains
I can start doing…

Oh.
I see.
You want me to rest in you.
You want me to hand it over to you.

Wait,
you don’t need me to plan?
you don’t need me to fix?
You’ve got it handled?
You sure you don’t need my help?

But
I have some great ideas…

Oh, well, Ok.
I will wait.
I will be right here
and
I will let you
do your thing

 

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click

click

click

click
ker-chunk

silence
then
screams

terror
delight

wind
whips
through my soul

twist
turn
dip
jump
upside down
inside out

laughter
joy
tears
sorrow

God is my safety harness

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Today
I will not feel pressured
to DO anything

Today
I will work on just being
I will work on just relaxing

and that’s ok –
in fact, it’s perfect

Why do I find myself in judgment when I’m not “being productive”?

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Sadness.
I’m sad.
Right?

I know I should be sad
And in many ways I am

But not in the ways –
Not for the things –
I am supposed to be.

I am sad for what wasn’t
not for the loss of what was

I am sad for the lost opportunities
I am sad for the relationship
that never really was

I am sad that my expectations
of what we could have been
were never realized.

Yes, I am sad.

And how my sadness manifests…
Well, there is no right way
There is no wrong way.

People grieve in different ways
People grieve for different things
Whose to say we aren’t all grieving
for what could have been?

I do know
that God sits right next to us
when we are sad.
No matter the reason, He sits.
He loves.
He hugs.

And it’s ok to be sad
for what could have been.

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Sometimes Moms

forget all the things they do
forget all the things they have done

Sometimes Moms

focus on things they think they should have done
focus on things still yet to do
focus on things they could have done differently

Wait, Moms –

that misses the point
that cancels the good
that silences the truth

Moms

do all that they can
with all that they have
for everyone they love
in any given minute

Moms are heroes
especially because
they are not perfect.

The only one who expects
a perfect mom
is Mom.

♥ Happy Mother’s Day ♥
to the beautiful, worthy,
beloved just as you are
♥ Moms of the world ♥

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Disappointment
A golden lion
lounges in the grass
appears as an innocent
and playful cat
Yet in only a moment
will jump
rip out my heart
tear me in two

If I startle the cat
If I anger the cat
it may lift its mane
shake its head
show its teeth
roar

and I am afraid.

I don’t want you to let me down
I don’t want to let you down
So I don’t let you in

I don’t let you get close
I don’t let you near
I don’t expect anything from you
Keep the lion deep in slumber

O, who am I kidding?

I have expectations
I continue to have hopes
I continue to wish for things to be how I imagine them to be
The beast stirs and squints an eye

I try to resist
I pretend I can keep you out
I shield myself from you
I hide from disappointment

But expectations
wake the cat
I am exposed
and I am afraid.

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I can do all things through Christ
who strengthens me.

But do I allow it?
Do I let go enough
of my own need to control
to allow God’s miracles to happen?

Lord,
Help me to let go
Help me to give it all to you
It is through your power alone
that my life will be filled

Nothing I do
Nothing I plan
Nothing I say

directs my path as clearly
As when I am still
and listen to your voice

I don’t have to figure it all out
I don’t have to have it all planned

I just need to trust you, God
I choose
to trust you

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I am silent.
again.

Why don’t I speak?
Why don’t I share?
Why don’t I express my needs?

A little voice inside
tells me
my needs don’t matter
my cares aren’t valid
my desires are selfish

I should just keep them to myself.

But that’s a lie.

Then
another voice creeps in
This one tells me
others should ask me
about my needs
about my cares
If I am valuable,
they should want to ask

But that is also a lie.

My needs are valid
My cares are important
My opinions do matter

And
when I don’t share
my thoughts and feelings

when I expect others
to just know my desires
to know I am waiting to be asked

While I wait
I give away the power over my life.

And as I wait
for someone else
to determine my path

The lies get louder
The hurt seeps in
Self-doubt
plagues

All because of MY silence.
And I can fix it.

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