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Archive for November, 2012

Why am I always
so focused on me?

focused on how I feel
or how you don’t
notice

When was the last time
I asked about you?

Why am I sitting
in a deep hole
a pit
of myself

It’s dark in here
I am alone
focused on myself
on me me me

It’s time to bring in some light
and all I need to do
is ask about you

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Sometimes
I have to say no.

It’s important for me to do so
and it’s being true
to what I am really feeling

So I say no
not today
not now
I’m sorry, I can’t

But then the guilt.

It washes over me
floods my thoughts
churns in my belly

How can I say no?
They need me
need my help
need my service
and maybe need God through me

so the thoughts keep spinning
that I’m just being selfish
and would it have really hurt me
to drop what I’m doing
to add more to my plate
and would it have really hurt me
to give one more afternoon

because people give to me
and so shouldn’t I give back
all that I have?
all that I am?

but then I remember
what I can be like
when I don’t take care of myself
the tailspin I can create
the emotional states
the physical decline

and then I remember
that when people give to me
give in healthy ways
it doesn’t require
of loss of myself
to them
it is a gift

and then I remember
that setting boundaries
establishing limits
makes me MORE able to help
more able to be present
more able to be me
in those times that
are appropriate

and that’s woman –
that’s who
they were asking for
in the first place

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My river of codependency
deep and powerful
I tumble along
swept away
with the current

old habits
can
flow unheeded

I grasp at branches
looking for my self worth
along this twisting river

If I help you, will I feel valued?
If I lead this group, will I feel treasured?
If I do a good job, will I feel needed?
If I love you, will you love me?

And when you don’t need me
the grass pulls from its roots
and when situations don’t meet my expectations
the branch snaps from the tree

So branches
slip from my fingers
grasses and roots
pull from the edge
I pitch and twist
bumping into rocks
floundering through rapids
clinging to scraps
of debris
confused
and afraid

And then I remember
I control this river

I do not need to grasp and cling
to debris or branches

My worth is internal
the love of God
spreads from my fingers
light pours around me
and creates a raft
the water slows
I’m buoyed by light
and I float
watching the banks
pass on by

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Hello friends!
Today is my 40th birthday, and I’ve been having fun over the last two weeks celebrating the one year anniversary of this blog and Facebook page along with this upcoming day.

So how do I celebrate?
By celebrating wisdom.

First, I honored this little phrase as it was the one that started it all for me:

And this got me thinking; I seem to like my wisdom in small nibbles.

Such powerful things can be said in short phrases.

Words that make us think, images that bring us smiles

And now I have fallen in love with this concept.

So much so,
that I have started
another blog
dedicated to little bites of 3-word wisdom.

If little nibbles with your cup of tea too, come on over here to sign up.
I’m posting one nugget each day (so far), and I think you might enjoy them.
I know I am.

Thanks so much
to each of you
for being here
with me
on this journey!
❤ Love, Light and Blessings ❤

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I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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