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Archive for January, 2012

 

Dear God, help me enjoy today without anticipating difficulty
without worrying that something will go wrong
that expectations will not be met
that something will happen
that something, anything, everything…

Help me stop.
Help me rest in you
Help me give it all over to you

and I will enjoy this day you have made

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When I try to be everything for everyone else, I lose me
and that’s who they wanted in the first place

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O God, praise your name!
I am blessed to know you
To be able to talk with you

To know you listen
to my words and cries
To know you care
about the simple things I ponder

You bring comfort to me
You lift me in times of sadness
You celebrate with me in times of joy

You know my weaknesses
and love me anyway

You see me
as perfect
as the robes of your Son
cover me

Your grace
coats my flesh
sealing my skin
in radiant light

I am covered by you
I am loved by you
I am blessed

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When I make a mistake
or even when someone else does
I suddenly take on these intense feelings
of responsibility
of shame
of fear

I am suddenly the guilty party
I assume all the blame
I shoulda done something differently
I shoulda said something else
I shoulda known better
I shoulda kept you from…

Oh, so sorry!
Sorry I said that mistakenly!
Sorry I did that accidentally!
Sorry that happened to you!
Sorry I didn’t step in and stop you!
Sorry I didn’t fix it before it was even broken!

Why do I think I have to be perfect?

It’s not my fault
It’s not your fault

In fact –
There doesn’t HAVE TO BE fault.

wow. Can I really believe that?
with God’s help
with God’s grace
Yes.

Mistakes aren’t the end of the world
Not when I make them
Not when you make them

They are just mistakes
We learn
and move on

No need to
feel stupid
rejected
or rejectable

No need to
assume any blame
beat myself down
for having not anticipated the situation
for not being perfect

It was just a mistake
And NO
it’s not all my fault.

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Sometimes

when things are going well
things are just so right
having fun
feeling good
happy

I can’t enjoy it.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop
the bad taste to arrive
the bricks to shatter
the fist to punch
the hateful comments
to ring in my ears
to squelch my happiness

Maybe the shoe
will even be
something I do
something I say
that messes things up

Not that bad
has to be
coming
but I anticipate it will
and in doing
create an internal sabotage.

Anticipating the shoe
can be worse than the shoe itself.

But

I don’t have to live this way
I can delight in God
and know that He is there at all times

He delights in my delights
He is happy when I am happy
and He is there
when happiness is not.

He will hold me tightly
if a shoe, taste, brick, fist, or comment
comes into my life
whether I anticipate
its arrival
or not.

So

in the meantime, I need want to be happy.

Thank you, Lord, for happy.

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You can’t make me

say any certain words

feel any certain feelings

think any certain thoughts

look any certain style

act any certain way

be any certain woman

You can
criticize
cajole
critique
advise
intimidate
mock
beach stroll by Matthew Bowden“help”

but still

You can’t
make me
anything.

I choose
my actions
reactions

I choose
to know
who I am

separate from
who you think
I am

instead
connected to
who God thinks
I am

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