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Posts Tagged ‘not perfect’

Why am I always
so focused on me?

focused on how I feel
or how you don’t
notice

When was the last time
I asked about you?

Why am I sitting
in a deep hole
a pit
of myself

It’s dark in here
I am alone
focused on myself
on me me me

It’s time to bring in some light
and all I need to do
is ask about you

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I waffle

acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!

So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations

Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside

too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless

life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?

My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair

Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights

But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks

and inside
I’m still screaming

AND THEN
I remind myself that

even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse

none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth

I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed

God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety

And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth

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Disappointment
A golden lion
lounges in the grass
appears as an innocent
and playful cat
Yet in only a moment
will jump
rip out my heart
tear me in two

If I startle the cat
If I anger the cat
it may lift its mane
shake its head
show its teeth
roar

and I am afraid.

I don’t want you to let me down
I don’t want to let you down
So I don’t let you in

I don’t let you get close
I don’t let you near
I don’t expect anything from you
Keep the lion deep in slumber

O, who am I kidding?

I have expectations
I continue to have hopes
I continue to wish for things to be how I imagine them to be
The beast stirs and squints an eye

I try to resist
I pretend I can keep you out
I shield myself from you
I hide from disappointment

But expectations
wake the cat
I am exposed
and I am afraid.

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