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Archive for August, 2012

Every day is something new
concepts to learn
circumstances for growth

Striving
Reaching
Practicing
Pretending to be
perfecting

But
perfect is not attainable
And
perfect is not necessary
Because
perfection paralyzes

I am unfinished
I always will be unfinished
and that is ok

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I am worthy.

Just as I am.

I don’t have to

do anything
spectacular

be anything
fabulous

say anything
profound

or fix
anything

to have worth.

Parts of my life are not perfect
I have made mistakes
and done things “wrong”

But I will not let imperfections
or the lies
from that useless emotion
of shame

keep me from knowing I have value
just as I am
today

no changes needed
no bad feelings warranted

I am human
I am worthy
I am loveable
I am fully me

and
I will need to accept me
if I want anyone
and everyone
to do the same

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You mess with my mind
You play games with my head

You show up in my life
when you feel like it
but ignore me
when I  need you

I’m hopeful
then scared
then angry
then abandoned

I try to connect
to build a relationship
desperate to have
what I have always craved
with you

and when you don’t respond
then I try to let go
try to move on
heal that open wound

and then somehow
you sense it
I am moving on
leaving the game

So you pull me back in

You give me a taste
You pretend to care
You do just enough
before disappearing again

you take
and take
I let you
I keep coming back for more

because
I don’t really know
how to make it stop
how to let go completely

because
that might hurt
even more
than this

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Dear God

My pulse counts
each of the moments
that you think of me

each moment surrounded
each moment protected
each moment loved
by you

Effortless

I breathe in
I breathe out
without thought
But you know
each time that I do

I hurriedly ready for the day
taking sips of coffee
choosing clothes from the closet
brushing my teeth
brushing my hair

and you know exactly
how many sips
which clothes I will choose
how many hairs
I will lose to my comb

You know me
without effort
and
you know
my every moment

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Why didn’t you…
Do what I needed you to do
Say what I needed to hear
Think about what I needed
Love me

Why didn’t you…
care about anyone
other than yourself

Why didn’t you…
lift me up
instead of tear me down

Why didn’t you…
keep your promises
or take care of me

Why didn’t you…
fix it
when you had
so many chances

Why didn’t you…
listen to my cries and
hear my heart breaking
as my world shattered
my life forever colored

Why didn’t you…
love me?

But
The hurt
The rage
They will not rule me

Because
It doesn’t matter
what you did
or what you didn’t do
I have value.

God listens to my cries
and holds me tight

God uses my shattered colors
to paint a beautiful canvas

God honors me and loves me
for exactly who I am
even with the hurt
even with the rage

God sees my worth
even when you
even when I
can’t.

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Each new day
I get to choose
My slice of life
my outlook and views

So today will it be a slice of fresh fruit
juicy and sweet

or a slice of pizza
a soft, gooey treat

How about a slice of cake
filled with sugar and spice

or a slice of warm bread
comfortingly nice

Or maybe today
I’m feeling beat
so it’s a slice of old cheese
smelling of feet

You may chose differently
and you may judge my choice
But my slice is my decision
and it’s always my voice

 

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