I waffle
acknowledge that I’m not feeling great
and wonder if I should stay home today
but then shake my head
to clear that thought
and say
Suck it up!
Charge Ahead!
So I try
to suck it up
to do the daily routine
to meet expectations
Yet I find
I’m still screaming
on the inside
too many thoughts
but nothing coherent
spinning
unsafe
relentless
life must go on
I must try to function
or at least pretend
Does anyone see through me?
My insides scream
“I can’t function!”
Yet here I am
walking to the front entrance
I remembered to bring a snack
but didn’t bother to match my clothes
or style my hair
Because it’s all a show
and I can only prepare
so many of the props
sew together so many of the costumes
paint so many of the backdrops
before my makeup
starts to melt
under the hot lights
But I walk in and smile
say good morning to all
I ask about your weekend
I get started on my tasks
and inside
I’m still screaming
AND THEN
I remind myself that
even though I feel this way
even though I don’t know what to do
even though I am lost and unsure
even though I don’t have all the answers
even though tomorrow may be worse
none of this impacts my worth
none of it speaks to my value
I don’t have to stop
screaming
in order to have worth
I don’t have to stop
pretending
in order to have worth
I am valuable just as I am
clothes mismatched
hair askew
internally disjointed
God loves me
exactly as I am
exactly this minute
and He sits with me
and comforts me
through anxiety
And in a few moments
or maybe a day or two
it just might
be better
an answer may come
the path may become clear
I may know what to do
I may feel better
I may, just may,
remember my worth
You are not only worthy, you are beautiful and brave. I hate anxiety with a passion, but grounding helps, and prayers 😉 Xoxoxo
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Thank you lovely friend, for your support and encouragement. It’s so easy to get caught up in the feelings and forget how much God has things under control. xo
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Absolutely beautiful and sooooo encouraging! I love to read your poetry. Blessings on you and yours today and in the days ahead.
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Thank you Cathy! It’s so lovely to have you visit. Blessings to you!
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This is stunning. It’s beautiful. I’ve been where you’re at so many times. What helped me 20 some years ago helps me still . . . after a breakup with a boy, my dear friend Amy ordered me to get dressed and go to work. I did. And it helped me, just a bit, to feel like I had worth. Sometimes just getting through our day is enough to remind me that I’m worthy enough . . . xoxo
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So so true, El! Thank you for sharing, thank you for relating. xoxo
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Evocative and provocative. How often do any of us pull the covers back over our heads and say ‘no, not today please no.’ I wonder, how many of us feel just this way, or how many of those women we see who seem so pulled together actually feel just this way, if only we could ask.
You have put so many of our feelings into a beautiful piece of poetry. Thank you for saying what I suspect many of us are afraid to say.
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Val, your response is exactly my hope when I post. Thank you for stepping out with me. xoxo
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